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Its morning, its that time of the day
time to step on the scale & see what you weigh.
you strip down, step on the scale and heavily sigh.
you stare into the mirror and only focus on one thing.
not whats right but all that is wrong.
thighs that don't touch one another just isn't enough
small boney wrists- you need to see more.
stomach that is mostly flat, your ribs that start to show. a small voice slowly creeps inside your head.
Its the voice of your disorder, slowly taking over your mind. the one that never lets you be happy or satisfied.
the voice thats constantly telling you whats wrong and what needs work. it slowly kills you and its the will that drives you.
You need to see bones and even thats not enough. the voice yells " bones = beautiful so enough is enough.
Deciding what to eat isn't simple, it takes work. you plan it out and think it through only the safest stuff must go inside of you.
you exercise yourself to sweat. and yet you aren't thinnest yet. Size ten to zero down down down. you were so quite, you barely made a sound. you watched yourself lose pound after pound. 5 more lbs and then i'll stop. that voice that drives you begs you not to stop.
keep going, get smaller, just a few more pounds longer. the voice that lies to you everyday. it will never really go away.
you , your body and even your brain, all play a little game. who will win? no one knows. this disorder tells me so.
it yells it screams. it drives me mad. its yells to me to be pure and perfection. Its hell on earth. its stuck inside you.
what on earth is a girl to do? how can you cope with all this stress. what do you do when being thin just isn't enough?


Its been a really tough week. i feel so sad and so depressed. I have wanted to cut again but i promised people i would try and find some better coping stragidies.i think i'll fast tomorrow. only green tea for me. and lots and lots of it.
i stared at myself in the mirror at my dads house and i swear my thighs look like tree trunks. i know they are like 16.5 inches but thats too much. i feel like i;m going crazy. idk what to do anymore.
how are you all doing?
XOXO
i love you all<3

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