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Just plain tired

I am tired of wanting to be thin everyday of my life. I wish I can look at the mirror and say I am not fat, but I can't. I wish I don't have to become anorexic, but I don't want recovery. I wish I can be thin, but not wanting to be thin. I think I am thin, it's just I don't notice. I am so tired now. Why my heart is aching? What's wrong with me now? I wish I have the nerve to kill myself now, but I am too scared and I am too nice to leave my parents and friends crying. I wish my thighs is 17 inches. I wish I can cry, but there are no tears in my eyes to let it out. What my heart hurt so much? I wish I was like two years ago, where I can eat without thinking. I wish I don't look at people and only see their thighs and waists. I just wish my anorexic thoughts to go away and become a normal person.

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