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Nov. 14th, 2009

this is my first day not eating.
need support.

Nov. 14th, 2009

HAPPY FRIDAY!

how are you all mi bellas =)

i've had a tough tough week. i ate a "normal amount or decent amount" of food this week and i feel like a fatt pig. i disgust myself so much. i ended up S.H. or S.I. or just plain cutting myself last night =( i did it 12 times. the cuts hurt really bad. I feel ashamed.
I called my school psycologist last night and we had a long talk. she talked to my mom and my mom was surprisingly nice to me. we didn't talk about it which i didn't expect us too. we never do. I am doing okay just sad. I don't know how to handle my feelings anymore. everything seems too much for me to handle . i feel so overwhelemed. no matter how little i eat its not enough. no matter how much my body shrienks its not enough. no matter how good my grades are its not enough. its so stressful never being enough.
I decided to take some advise i was given and I drew the outline of my body. i was positive i would see a fat disgusting blob on the paper. that it would be exactly what i see myself as only it wasn't.. the legs were small, the waist was small. the hips. all of it was pretty small. I stared at it in awe! i don't believe its me. it can't be me. when i look down or look in the mirror i see FAT. i can't believe it. is my mind that warped into this disorder?. i even looked at my shadow today while walking. my legs look good. really small. i sighed and said why can't they look like this in real life. my text buddies said " they do selina, they are that small in real life" why can't i believe it.
Why can't i let myself breathe and stop putting so much pressure on myself. I can't handle it anymore.
you should have seen me at the grocery store. I couldn't decide what to buy. i had to look at all the calories, the fat and the carbs before i could buy it. it look a long time. anyone else ever do that?
also just curious- how many calories do you allow yourself in a day? how much fat? how many carbs?
one month and 7 days till my birthday! and one month and 12 days till Christmas!
XOXO
I love you all<3

Nov. 2nd, 2009

  Hey Girlies!! how are you all doing today? how was halloween? Hope it went alright? ahh my last two day's of life have just been shit! i ate like 1500-2000 kcals both days. omg what if i even ate more? ahh, i've been back to where my mum is from, HULL and was staying with friends with little girls, and i coulndt just not eat, the lady we was staying with use to have an eating disorder so wouldnt not have me eating. and plus all my mums old dance teachers and friends and that put pressure on me to bloody eat. god damn it ! but i havnt gained THAT much weight :S so i guess that is good? but im still a fat ugly c*nt!! im water fasting for the next two weeks, two liters of water..exercise like mad, gym and i do sport at college so GO ME ! anyway i hope your all good and i misses you all  ! take care Girlies...Love you all <3
Heyy Loves
Tomorrow is Halloween! what are we all doing for the holiday?
i used to love halloween. i loved getting candy and i loved dressing up. being a kid was so much better then now. so much better.

its been a tough few weeks.
105 lbs BMI 18. am i happy? no. i want more. i wanna see.feel.touch my bones even more then i already can. nothing makes me happy. i feel fat.disgusting.a pig. its all i feel all the time. no matter how little or how much i eat that is how i feel.
i should have been proud. i fasted for 5 days but i'm not. i feel so sad so blah so idk.
I really need someone to talk to via text,email or msn. anyone interested? anyone who can understand how i feel. i took laxatives and diuretics today. I took em 2 weeeks ago too. I am a mess. i don't even know anymore. my birthday is one month and 20 days away. i am alittle excited. i am turning 17! i just realized that i have an eatting disorder since i was 11. it didn't get bad till i was 13 but still. anorexia started at 11. bulimia 15. wow what a great teenage life. and yet i can't stop. i can't let myself. i can't bring myself to even think of it.
How are you ALL doing?
XOXO
Love you all

ugh fucking mood swings

ahh fuck i cant take this. one minute i think thigs are looking up, and the next minute i'm suicidal, heavily depressed, or cutting myself. sometimes a combination of the 3. i just cant take this. and i have massive headache. i need to weigh myself , yay i'm at 179 again. only 4 pounds from my hopeful goal. you know just eating my 65 cals aday is really working hehe. *sighs* but i have one problem i feel like i can hardly breathe. ohkay i drank some water and took some pain pills. you know i love this new high, i think i finally broke into anorexia. well here's to my new life. i will lose the weight, i know i can do this. i just gotta encourage myself. :) think thin, stay positive. keep going sarah. gotta reach 115 by february. yep :) i can totally do this.




p.s. see what i mean about the mood swings

Tags:

Heyy Chickas and Chicos <3
how are we doing this friday night?
fasted for five days. lost 4 lbs. now 106 lbs BMI 18.2
The only reason i smiled at the scale today was because i saw the dial very close to the 100 so that gave me some hope.
today only had 150 calories but was on my feet for 3 hours moving around at work so i burned most of it off.
Baby sitting tomorrow for 12 hours! ugh i am gonna be so bored but i love being with my cousin so its good that i will have her there to help with my brother. we are gonna bake something i love to do but I WILL NOT HAVE A SINGLE.BITE. i cannot ruin my weight loss.
does anyone else just obsessively tough there bones? all the time especially at night i lay there and feel my hip bones and my ribs. I can even see them both now. wish i was satisfied but im not really. I talked to my chorus teacher and school psycologist today, they are the only reason i ate today. they would not let me leave there office unless i ate. I don't mind being honest with them either. they never tell anyone at all and they are very good listeners. I need that. just someone to listen.5 daysof fasting is good and plus i was feeling dizzy, my heart was pounding out of my cheast and my knees almost gave out. i almost fell down the stairs too so i kind of needed to eat or else things would be bad.
its almost halloween! this month is flying by its almost christmas!
XOXO
I Love you all<3

Oct. 21st, 2009

 
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 GIRLSSSS <3 hello, missed you all..okay so for the last couple of weeks ive noticed people like STARING at my legs where ever i go and it was really bugging the hell out of me >.< then yesterday some random teacher in the libary pulled me over and commented on my weight lost in the last couple of weeks, i was fighting back my smile soo soo much. i felt soooo happy XD i then tried on some clothes when i got home and there all are baggy for me, and like hanging off..but like i dont see that they can be? i havnt been eating the amount i should. ive been eating like a 'normal' amount, which is shit. i feel so fat ! everytime i look at my thighs i cant help but cry, it makes me sick. why am i still alive like this? today i had something important to do and no energy, so i had to eat a sugarfree muffin, and i felt sick and i did purge a little bit, i cant eat without doing this now :/ ahh fukeris !

anyway ill shut up about me...how are you all? how your goals going on? Write backies please i miss you all !

Love you all xxT

Heyy Lovess<3
Tomorrow is monday! its a new week. all the crap and mistakes for last week are done and over with. lets start fresh<3
I finally got my period after being 3 weeks late. Finally the cravings and the bloating and water weight will be going away.
Only my period is wicked light. doesn't even really feel like i have it. Wish i could say the same about my water weight. i feel like a giant balloon i just wanna pop my stomach. I lay in bed or look at myself naked in the shower and instantly think omg this looks bigger i feel fatter all the time. it is such a sucky feeling. its not like the scale is going up. its not i just think my body keeps getting bigger.
Decided tomorrow I need to fast. Drinking TEA all day. Cold and Hot. what are your favorite tea flavors for those who drink it?
then tuesday and thursday and sunday only allowed fruits and veggies then wednesday friday and saturday only allowed 400 calories and 10 grams of fat and lots of fiber. saturday will be hard cuz i am watching my brother and cousin but i think i'll manage. i just really wanna lose 5 lbs by november 1st then another 5 by november 15th. i wanna be 95 lbs or less by my birthday ( december 20th)
Just been feeling kind of low and sad lately. idk y really. I just want something to boost my spirits so i am putting all my energy into school, weight and my body.
How are you all doing? got any plans for the week?
XOXO
Love you all<3

Oct. 16th, 2009

Heyy Loves<3
I am feeling this FAT FRIDAY. I don't even know what was wrong with me this week. I ate a disgusting amount of calories almost everyday. sure they were under my technical "normal" amount but to me they are disgustingly high. I feel so sore and achey all over still from the car accident. I have been taking motrion for almost a week and it isnt helping me. Cannot wait for monday to start so i can feel fresh and renewed.
I took 3 maxium strength laxatives about an hour ago. Haven't taken those since august. i just had such an urge and i had been fighting with it for a while and i caved and now i am waiting for them to kick in. I know i know. they don't help you lose real weight. just water weight. but that honest to god isn't even why i take them. i feel i deserve to be punished for eatting. i want it out of my body. i feel clearner and cleansed when i take them.
I am just sitting here and i can actually feel my stomach getting fatter. my legs getting fatter. this is such a damn shitty feeling.
god my progress report today for school and i am doing really well. higher then 85 in everything and in history i have a 99 and in phyics i have between an 85-90. i can actually say i am almost excited to get my report card in 5 more weeks. only now i need to be even harder on myself to keep these grades as high as they are. i need to be completely focused on losing weight and getting good grades. oh boy what a lovly life i lead.

anyone wanna talk? i feel sad and lonley and don't wanna leave myself with all these thoughts.
SGallagher1992@hotmail.com is my MSN if anyone is on.

XOXO
I love you all<3
its almost HALLOWEEN! that means it is almost NOVEMBER. this year is flying by. can't even believe it.